Sunday, February 6, 2011

side note

So I haven't done the challenge in forever, or written in here but tonight I need to.

I haven't been the same... I guess you guys havent known me long, but if you knew me before my parents divorce, or highschool even you would have known I was a generally happy person. That all changed in high school or maybe even after my parents divorce.

Lately I have been at my worst; crying every night, letting everything get to me, and even contemplating suicide. I never use to be this way. I wish to God I could just be happy again, and not like something good has happened to me so I'll be happy, but just a happy in general person.

Today the steelers lost the SuperBowl and I cried...... over the SuperBowl! what the hell is wrong with me?  I've literally cried almost every night this week, and that's not normal. I'm currently sitting next to a bag of a bunch of pills and it's taking so much will to not take them all.

God I hate being this girl, I use to HATE this girl now I'm her. Please to god let this go away...


  1. Dear Kate,
    Please, please , please know thart life is worth living and find a way to experience joy. When I get depressed, the hardest thing is to get out of it but I head straight outdoors and go for a walk. From that I notice all the beauty in this world and it's amazing that a smile from another person my way can be very uplifting.
    Join something at school. I understand you have a job, a heavy workload and it's overwhelming! Just KNOW that it won't always be like this.
    The hardest thing to do is smile sometimes but putting a smile on your face might help to change the way you feel. Try it!
    You sound like a great gal and your life will get better. Trust that what you believe in and think about WILL come to you. It's the law of the Universe.
    I will watch for you Kate. I believe in you Kate.
    Much love,

  2. Kate,
    I know that you are going through some heavy stuff right now. It seems like it has been going on for a long time. But please know that it won't be like this forever. You are so precious and valuable. You are unique and the world needs what you have to offer. God created you for a purpose and He loves you so much. Did you know that you can climb up in His lap anytime you want, and just rest there? Don't be afraid to talk to someone and tell them how you feel. You are worth Jesus to God!! No matter what life throws at you, you can rest in the fact that you are so loved and adored. I'm praying for you and I'm believing for you and in you!! Stay strong and let God love you!!

  3. Kate,
    I know how tough it can be to deal with depression I dealt with a great deal of it in high school and only really knew one person who would just listen to me no matter how angry I could get. Fortunately he kept praying for me and wouldn't give up even when in the middle of his office I exploded toward him in anger. It seems so cliche at times to be told God can bring us through anything but I know He can. Just this morning God brought me back to Job again for what seems to be the millionth time and I read how Job lost everything but still found the grace to praise God saying, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return; the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." For what its worth from a stranger I will be praying for you that God will deliver you from whatever situation you find yourself in.

  4. Kate,
    I know the tears. I know the unhappiness. I know the thoughts of suicide. I've been there. I'm not there anymore and I am proof that things can change if you hold on long enough. Please don't give up before the miracle happens. God will bring you through just like He brought me through.

  5. Hi Kate
    Sometimes the beauty of the Stars is only seen through the darkness. Thank you for sharing your heart and thoughts.You show courage by being able to do that. What moved me here with your words is the fact that even down and hurting you still speak of hope. Don't lose that feeling! Cling tightly to it. Remember that with God their is hope. You have a gift that God has given you and you have shared it here with us. You have the ability to write! God has given you a gift of taking your thoughts and being able to speak them into someones heart with your words. I'm reading this knowing that others are feeling and have felt what I too have felt but was unable to explain or communicate at the time. Being able to put your heart on paper is a start to healing and an encouragement to other who might be feeling alone with these thoughts. Thanks again! I'm praying that you feel in your heart the message of hope that God has for you and that He continues to cultivate your special gift;)

  6. Dear Kate,

    You are loved by many people who you've never even met. If you ever feel alone, rest assured that you are in the thoughts of many.

  7. Kate....i am right there with you. well i was anyway. i have been down that road. its a horrible feeling. and straggly enough i know what its like to cry after your team loses. There is a better life for you that God has in mind. There is a second chance. You can overcome these thoughts of depression and what not. It won't happen in one day; it takes time. Taking one day at a time, accepting your hardship as a pathway to peace. You are loved. Stay strong my friend!

  8. Katie, you are deeply loved. Please never give up. You are worth so much. I've never met you before but I want nothing more than to hug you and love on you.
    "There could never be a more beautiful you
    Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
    You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
    So there could never be a more beautiful you"