Ever feel trapped within yourself? Afraid to tell the world how you feel in fear of the precautions, the reprimands, the judging? The worst part of it all is that you feel that you can't even tell some of your best friends. That's why some people write. That's why I'm writing this blog anyway.
I didn't create this blog for people to read, but if you find it and are reading it then I hope to some extent I can help you realize something, or just help you. Today's post is just basically things I've had building up and I would really like to get it. So here it goes:
I'm losing friends. At least I feel that way. There are people in my life that I've gotten rid of because they were not meant to be there. They either hurt me, stressed me, or just didn't fit my personality anymore. But there are friends that I feel like they're drifting from me. A few are some people I considered my best friends and it kills me that they seem like they don't care anymore. Some in particular have drifted from multiple people in our group but they get mad any time we bring it up. But it's true. The calls have stopped, the secrets kept secret, and the hangouts are just not the same with them anymore. The plans we made are forgotten, and it's not just me that these people are doing it to. I'm not saying I haven't gained friends but I'm losing ones that i truly cared about. And trust me it's not that I'm not trying to keep them alive trust me I'm trying, some more than others, but I do try. And this is making me thankful for the friends who are not leaving my side, who feel the same way I do about these people, and for the people who I've drifted from earlyer and am now back to great terms with. Maybe that will happen with the friends who are drifting but part of me wonders.
I'm not as smart as I would like to be. I mean I'm not a dumbass or a complete idiot but I wish academic wise I was a tad bit more enhanced. I can hold an intelligent conversation, and I can do rather difficult math and other things but when it comes to certain subjects I wish I was smarter. I really wish I was good at science because then I would become a surgeon, a pediatric one too because little kids are too cute, but I know in my heart I could have done it if science came easier to me. Certain maths that no one cares about come really easily to me, like logarithms who the hell needs that.
I also swear I have a mild form of depression as it runs heavily in my fathers family. It's just the feelings, and the commercials. Don't you just hate those commercials I swear they make most people think they're depressed. I use to swear I was the happiest person ever, always smiling, it kind of was creepy and I had the nickname smiley in middle school. One day though it got to the point were I cried over jello-shots. Who the fuck does that. Part of me that doesn't think I have depression just thinks it's the crappy couple of years my life has gone through. The part that says I do have depression reminds me I've had such great times in the past years and still I've always felt awful. My doctor swears I do too but I'm afraid to admit it, or hurt my mother because she goes through too much anyway.
Soooo I've rambled for a while now and feel like I'm just complaining, which is why I guess that I haven't told it to anyone because certain people have told me that they feel that I go on these rants for attention. But that's the thing, if you feel this way like I do, get it out. It's healthy and good for you.
So that's my first blog post. Don't forget, Just write.
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